FIRST CLERKING

Sharp at 5.45 a.m. I woke up to embrace the first day of class. I have a feeling of proving something not to others,,,, but to myself.

Well, that is not the main story of today. What I am going to talk here is about my first clerking. I went to a Ward @# and try to search for 'victim'... ok maybe it is not right to call them victims but if you saw through my eyes, then you will get it. Everyone may subjected to different opinions rite?

Hahaha

I searched for a patient that might be helpful and friendly enough to be my first clerking. At the first part of the ward, I tried to approach a "pak cik" because he seemed calm enough... Not even a complete sentence, the patient turned me down... Ok, no luck lah,,, So, there was my first disappointment. But, i have to "cekalkan hati"... LOL

Then, I went further into the ward. I found myself a boy with his mother. Well, I put up a step after being pushed by my colleagues... and this time, I managed to complete my sentence. Unfortunately, the patients was about to be discharged so she didn't want anymore questions. Ok.. :) I put up my fake smile.

Then I wandered off until the end of the ward. Then without any choices, I went to a nearby uncle and greet him: Assalamualaikum. I introduced myself and asking for the patient consent to take his history. Well, he seemed willing to do so by nodding. Then I asked his name. He mentioned name that I couldnt hear better. P ramlee?? He said: No...and there was the unrecognized name. Then my friend opened his file case and mentioned his real name.... I was like,,,, ooohhh,,,,

And I started asking questions although I was basically didnt have any ideas of why I was asking those questions,,,, I tried to think that I knew what I was doing - but the truth is,,, NO!!!

So there was my first clerking,,, well, I cant really shared the details of my clerking,,,, or could I???

-THE END-

LAST DAY

Summer vacation is already started and tomorrow i will be heading for home. Nothing feeling more enjoyable rather than counting the hours to get home.... or is it?

My mind is currently occupied by lots of thought. I wish, at this moment, that the time will freeze. I want the time to stop moving and let me drowning in this vacant feeling. Just me and my thoughts. 

I will never feel happy if i keep comparing my life with others. But the desire to have what others' owned or achieved is so deceiving. I will never be like others - i knew that, but i can't tell a lie that i don't want what they have. 

In time like this, I usually gonna have what is called internal monologue. And all the battles and intrapersonal conflicts starting to play their melody of war. Endless and meaningless battles that i believed to be the center of my complexity of thoughts and feelings. And no one can really understand me. Even I, myself, was having difficulties to understand what i feel and why i think in this kinda way. 

And on last day, hormones imbalance starts to have their upper hand over my feelings and thoughts. When serotonin, norepinephrine, epinephrine, dopamine, acetylcholine etc, each claimed to be the maestro of the body... leaving me all apathetic and soulless. 

My heart is so black that sometimes i can't differentiate between wrong and right. My conscience is already dead. The collision between different principles and ideologies that keep occurring,  pulling me to a vacuum of nothingness. Feeling afraid to have opinions of my own. Feeling helpless and weak. I guess, I am sick and I bet my medical "wisdom" wouldn't be a much of help. 

Enough of all this gibberish. I just wish that I will be having a splendid vacation during this summer. Three big projects were already in my list. Hope that all of you will be having a marvelous summer too. See you again... School. 

CHANCE

SECOND chance is what everyone keep asking. Well, apparently we were given thousands of chances to improve ourselves but we just never make benefit of them.

And each time we feel like to change, we unconsciously reluctant to begin at the exact moment... Instead, we try to slip off by finding some event as a turning point. And guess what?? That interval that we allow to slide in will only fade our will to change.

One tip that I found very useful to actually keep you on track in your change is to be with people. Don't be alone or do it alone. It was learnt from experience. When you are alone, you are vulnerable and the satan will use every angles that he can to elude you from your course.

In conjunction with RAMADAN, I believe that many Muslims out there trying to make Ramadan as their turning point to change. Well, grab this opportunity as the battle is only between you and you-self (desire) in this Holy month. Be sure to take one step at a time and not trying to change yourself 360 degree. Take the biggest one first and the rest would come easy, In shaa Allah.

I wish the best to all of you in your way to improve yourself. Revive your intention everyday as repetition gonna strengthen your will. Please make a du'a for me in my course to be a better Muslim. May you guys have a blissful Ramadan. 

Ramadan kareem... Allahu akram. :) 

MARK THE END OF PRE-CLINICAL

July 15 2013 marked the end of my pre-clinical years.. 

Lots of difficulty, memory and conflict had been shaping my past three years. 
Lots of thing also been learnt, both medicine and life. 
Lots of mistake had been made and how they could affect me.
Lots of stupid and foolish thing were there, though I already knew.
Lots of misjudging and perception along the way, which create problems that weren't there in the first place.
Lots of lesson told and learnt but they prevent me at nothing, blurred by self-ignorance. 
Lots of foe and friend, come and go, just dropping by...
Lots of understanding might have been achieved, but the heart was too blind to admit.

Lots of lots and lots... 

July 17, 2013. Cornish. 

Choice, Choose & Chosen (1)

Life is all about choices. 
What are we going to do next? 
What to eat for breakfast? 
Should I take the offer or not? 
Blue or pink? 
Yes or no?

Without realizing it, every decision that we make shapes our lives. Even as simple as, what to wear for tomorrow? 

I believe that people are the choices they made. That is how I described people, I guess. And then comes to the point in which I have to respect their choices. Well, this point don't really go well with me - for now. 

Why?

Let me put it this way. A man came to you, presenting as a cirrhotic patient. You found out that he is a drunker.How would you react? 

Blame him for allowing consumption of toxic into his body? - That's called judging.
Bailed from becoming the treating physician? - You are a chicken.
Treat him as a normal guy. - Ordinary.
Treat him and advise him to make a wiser decision, that is to stop drinking. 


That is what I wanna talk about. 


We can't force people to do what we want. Maybe you can, but I am sure not through a good approach. However, we can reassure him or guide him or opining to him a better option. That is what we can do. Still, the decision is in the hand of the individual. 

I can respect others decisions only after I gave them my opinions or suggestions, because I would be sure that he already had all the information that he needed to make his decision. The rest is up to him.  The problem nowadays is people don't want to listen.

Listen. A simple word, yet most of us still working on it. 

(continued>>>)

MEE GORENG - BREAKFAST

Today is Sunday. Unfortunately, here, it is not a holiday. Friday is. So, I have classes today. 8 HOURS! Not to mention that I have to cook today. 

So, this morning I made a mee goreng or fried noodles. For me, breakfast is the most important meal - also stated by doctors and scientist. It took me not more that an hour to prep the breakfast. 

What a big deal about making mee goreng as a breakfast?

It is a big deal. First, I ran out of kicap manis or sweet soy sauce. Second, I didnt really use noodle, instead I replaced  it with spaghetti. Thirdly, my class starts at 8 am.

Above all, I just want to share with you guys what I ate. So what do you guys eat for breakfast?

BREAD PUDDING

Last Thursday, my friends and I threw a potluck. By potluck I mean, I have to cook by myself. Honestly, I am not a good cook, and if I were.... Let just say that I am not going to be in medical school instead.

Living abroad does teach me few things. One of them is cook. I start to cook on my own since the last two years. And I still remember my first dish which was a spicy hot fried rice. Frankly, everyone got diarrhea the next day. :(

Well, that was my first trial. 

Cooking is sometimes a burden or at another time, a stress-relieved. It is a burden when you have a packed day and you just can't find time to cook. Meanwhile, during exam weeks, I found cooking help me to keep my nerves down a little bit from the anxiety.

One thing that cooking still hold as a mystery is the way it function. When I want to make a great dinner, I prep myself well. Get all the ingredients on the table. But at the end, it turned out sucks. But for no explainable reason, when I was so lazy to cook, the dish turned out to be delicious! (according to my taste bud, of course!)

Well, back to the topic - bread pudding is a dessert that I learnt from a friend and it is really easy to make. I include pictures of my third times making this bread pudding and I hope you guys enjoy whatever food you are eating right now. Bon appetit.  :)

Shaking

No one would want a shaking doctor to treat them. Especially a surgeon. To normal people, shaking when they hold something wasn't a big deal. It was only a minor shake. Nothing to be worried about. 

Not for me. Being a medical student, it is essential for me to be in a fit condition in order to treat my future patients. However, this minor shaking has haunted me since my first year as a medical student. Since that, I started to doubt my ability to become a good doctor. 

When I consulted to few of my colleagues and also seniors, they said it is normal. I was just nervous or anxious to handle the tools for the first time. By time, I will get used to them, and the shaking will disappear. 

Those words comfort me a little bit. But that doesn't leave me not to do anything. For some people, skills aren't something acquired naturally or spontaneously. They need training. And I am one of those people.

First thing that I noticed regarding my condition is I shook because I did not believe in myself. I allowed doubt to enter my brain and that caused me to shake. So, I have to stop that. Starting right now, I have to believe in myself. Believe that I can do it. 

But then, I wondered, why I was in doubt? Well, I have no problem cutting and slicing the chicken when I cooked for the first time. I didn't shake. What makes it different when handling medical tools? Then, I got my answer. When I was cooking, I handled a dead meat - literally. But in medicine, I attend a living patient hoping to be cured not otherwise. 

So, that's my trigger. Afraid of harming my patient or make a mistake. As in medicine, there is no space for mistake. You can't play with lives. 

Realizing the real cause of my problem, I see a lot of works have to be done to overcome my fear. To be a competent physician or even a surgeon.

The pathway towards greatness is not going to be easy. To be a good doctor, I need to work hard. There is no short cut. Everyone has their own fight in their way to achieve something. And as for me, this is my fight. 

I have to stay strong and put myself together. I can't give up, not after all I have been through. I had seen changes in myself through these three years in medical school. And I see a hope for me. Don't worry, :).  

And Allah saith:
" Yes! Whoever submits himself entirely to Allah and he is the doer of good (to others) he has his reward from his Lord, and there is no fear for him nor shall he grieve." (2: 112)

     

A COME BACK

Well, apparently, at least once in our life, we come to a stage, where we feel that we have to change in order to make a come back. An event or multiple of them, can be a stimulus for us to do a come back. However, most of us stuck in the middle of the way.

Why can't I do what he or she did? Why can't I achieve what they did?

Sometimes, it just not meant for us. We have to realize that, we can't have everything and there is always someone better than us. This feeling or drive or thirst to prove yourself have to be handled wisely, or you may end up hurting yourself. 

I remembered one of my colleague said:
 " My mom always remind me not to be too Kiasu. It means wanting to be the best at everything. Sometimes you just have to let it go. Maybe it is not your time or you already had yours."

It is a disease, I might say. But at the end, we have to ask ourselves. Why we did this? For whom? 

If you can answer those questions and not having a second thought,  then you are on your way to redeem yourself.

-Smile-