What's Next?

I know, it has been a long long time since my last post. Life just won't let me have time to write. Hahaha... okay it is a lame excuse.  I just feel too damn lazy to write anything. Nothing much had been going on in my life. I am still the same person, like my last post.But... Just to let you guys know - I have graduated! Yeay!!! Or Nay?~

Yup, I finally made it. I completed my degree. But, I don't really feel anything much. I mean, it is just the end of one phase in my life. Another new phase will come rolling and present the lemons of life. While everyone is happy about finishing their study, I just fell really deep into a hole. I found a new obsession over Thai lakorns, during my study weeks. Luckily I did't fail my exam.

This obsession is not that foreign for me. Well, besides my tendencies over learning languages, the Thai lakorn genre that I watched had to do with some part of me which I don't really want people to know. From this moment, let me call it "khwam rak" or "KR".

Just to give you a note, khwam rak was not something that I accepted in the past. I might have known myself as one, but I never accepted myself and always blaming myself for it. Until recently, I started to finally come into acceptance and stop lying to myself.

So, what is next?

Knowing who you are is one thing. Another thing that I keep questioning to myself is; can I love someone? What is love? How do you tell love and lust apart? What do you see in a person that you want to love? The look? The character? His or her religion? Race?

Can I love someone? Although I already knew who am I, but I don't know whether I can love someone or not. I am used to the idea of being a loner, because I always convince myself that no one would ever love me, ever. My love life is a shit that I dumped in the toilet and flushed it over few times. I just don't have the faith in me that someone will love me, one day.

Why is that? Nothing about me is interesting at all. Besides being ugly and short, I had some bad qualities that would definitely annoyed people. And after few years planting that thought in my mind, I just feel content with myself without the need to have someone to love. Plus, I don't even know if any of it still left in me.

However, the lakorns that I had watched had brought out the long lost feeling inside me - the feeling to have someone to love. Although I knew, all the shit stories in the lakorn were all made up and not even possible in real life, I just cannot stop myself from wanting to experience all those things.

But I still have doubt that anyone will ever love me and whether I can love someone back. Then I remember a quote saying; you have to love yourself first before anyone else can love you. If it is true than why still no one come into my life yet? And what do you say about loving yourself but at the same time hating yourself?

So many questions that I, myself, don't have the answers for them. And should I open to everyone? Never cross my mind to lie to others. But life is not easy. Each decision, each step you take, and each path you choose; all bear consequences that you have to deal in the future. Everything in life comes with payment - in any form.

So,what is next?

#P/S: I hope I can write more about this in the future. But for the time being, let me have a deep thought regarding this matter first.

Thank you for those who had dropped by and read my posts. Thank you very much.

The Pathways of Life

Last week, I had a field work in Sepang, which is 52km away from the capital. Elected as the assistant leader in the group, I was happy and sad at the same time. I am definitely sad over the burdens and responsibilities plus to meet people's expectation. And I am zero experience in this stuff. But I am happy along the way where I surprised myself.

Keeping in mind, that I am a perfectionist in some ways, I managed to lay back and loosen up. I admit that I couldn't hide the particular-me and easily-tensed over works etc, but I succeeded in putting them aside when needed. I became more lenient. I easily tolerated over all those small things that everyone was making fuss about. How I calmly delegate works and agreed with someone ideas. I can be stubborn quite sometimes, if you really know me. Hahaha...

But it didn't mean I played nonchalant and let everyone else did my job. I worked my ass as well; doing the reports, collecting information etc. But what I am trying to emphasize here is that, I have changed... and keep changing, for the better hopefully.

However, I am still the powerless or strictly 'listener' instead of 'doer'. I listened to people problems and their gripes, but I have done nothing to solve them. I just smile, give a few words of wisdom and hope... but not a solution. I am still, unable to actually help those who asked for help.

"Help is given to those who deserved it."

Alrite, that's not really the main reason for this current entry. This time, I wanna talk about, the cycle of life. I discussed about it with a friend of mine, a few days ago while I was in Sepang. We were supposedly discussing our presentation, but somehow we started having this conversation.

She said, she read about it from a book, about Hamka. Hamka was a renowned Ulama in the Nusantara. She said that, Hamka had undergone few phases in his life before he reached the level that we all known him for. She described it in term of her life. The pathways or cycles that she had went through.

She started from ignorant into holier-than thou phase; the phase where she aimed of becoming the best servant ever, that she thought she had understand religion as how it is supposed to. At that time, she felt that she was the best muslimah ever and she had to correct others. And I went the same path as she did. [p/s: we laughed hard for this... HAHAHAHA]

Then, she started to indulge into those philosophies stuff where she meet others' perspectives, that life was interpreted differently by different people. The virtue that she started to accept the "other truths" besides the doctrine of religion she knew before. She stated questioning every single things in religion and at that moment, she withdrawn herself from people. And I was like, same like me! We have so much in common. Things got even worse with her. She reached at one point, she started questioning God. That's the peak of it. Gradually, after that kinda haywire phase.... she matured.

After the phase she is currently in, there is another phase ahead of her. If she were able to get through it, then she would acquire the level achieved by Hamka. In this current phase, things that were not possible in the past, seemed acceptable. And you will become less rigid. You will less likely to cling to idealistic.

To relate to my life at this particular moment, I am in the phase where I withdrawn from my friends. Not that I stop talking to them out of the blue... I just like to do things on my own. I don't mind to eat alone, walk alone, and what so ever. Sometimes, I like to have companies... but if they refused, I don't take it personally. I just keep on with my life. ^_^

This is the new me. This is my metamorphosis. I am changing. For the better, hopefully.

Should I Quit?

This Ramadan is the worst Ramadan I have gone through. It is not the fault in Ramadan... but me.
Yeah. Everything seems difficult this time. Everything is different.

As Ramadan started, I wish to be a better version of me. I tried to restrain myself from repeating the same sins and mistakes that I did in other months. Guess what? I can't even hold myself more than 3 days. I started resuming my normal activities as the normal months.

The worst part is, I begin to not paying much attention and put much effort on my amalan. Hey, it is Ramadan now. Why this Ramadan is worse than my previous Ramadans? What has changed?

A lot, actually. But, let it be between me and Him.

Since yesterday, I started receiving gentle reminders from Him. I had a short case exam. Okay, I knew it was coming. I did study, but not as diligent as before. Study while on Twitter? How could that even possible, right? However, to my surprise, I got a case which I didn't expect at all. Plus, I didn't read and practice at all. I was very bad at that time. Clumsy. Nervous. An idiot. The most shameful 10 minutes of my life. Not to mention the disappointment look from my lecturer. :(

Wait. Things are not that simple. I don't really feel bad about it. I mean, I was upset. But I didn't cry at all. I tried. It never come out. Then, I was thinking... maybe I should quit medicine. Besides, after knowing the hardship and reality of becoming a doctor, I started to doubt myself. I cannot do this any more.

How should I face my family? What about my scholarship? I don't have any source of income... I don't have any job. I don't even have any qualification to apply for job. I only have my SPM.

I tried to be reasonable with myself. Okay. I need to calm down.

This morning, I supposed to have a written exam. Guess what? I overslept. I had waken up 4.30 am to have my sahoor and study a bit as I hit the sack very early last night, around 11.00 pm. As the hour nearing to 7.00 am. I started feeling sleepy. I couldn't function when I am sleepy. So, I decided to take a nap before the exam. To note, my exam was on 9.00 am.

I woke up at 10.30 am. Then exam was soon to finish at 11.00 am, I screwed.

Should I quit?

Medicine is really not my thing. I don't think I have passion into medicine any more. I don't even think I have the passion to live at this moment. I just want to be absent. Absent from the world. I don't know...

Should I quit?

TRUST II

Hi everyone? How's the new year and all the "new me" things? I hope it runs well with you guys.

Here I am again, talking about the same thing. Trust.

- Wait a sec! I thought we had discussed about it before... a long time ago...

Sorry my fellow friends... but things never all the sun and the shine... sometimes the gloomy grey days coming unexpected and definitely unwelcome.

Honestly, I don't understand what actually happening with my life right now.

There are not a single time I can be happy. Not that there are bad things happening around me, but I am currently undergoing metamorphosis. Everyone knows, it is never easy.

Now, I am learning not to give a damn care of how people think about me. Learning, I emphasize again...

Oh! I am also closing myself from my surrounding, in some extent, like a metapod. I built a hard, shiny, impenetrable shell around me. Being wronged is painful, and doing a wrong thing as hurtful as it is. 

 I know, we as a human, is an interactive creature. We have this complex social needs and contexts that distinguished us from other low-life creatures. This could be due to the complexity of the human's brain itself. In a simple way, some of us tend to think too much.

I had this obsession of how people hate me very much, that as a defence, I closed any mean of contacts. I avoid myself from talking to them, had to have anything to do with them. Definitely, it is against the human's nature itself as an interactive creature. But again, the greatest weapon against you, is yourself.

I don't know, whether this is a mental illness or an attention-seeking behaviour. Let me tell you, I would be really glad if I could think normally like others. It is up to you guys, if you want to judge me. I am learning to not give a damn care.

Before this, if someone broke my trust, I definitely not thinking of second chance. But if it had happened twice, I saw the relationship (any kind) as a tumour that had to be removed. I might as well experience the effects of the "chemotherapy" or "radiotherapy" or "surgery"or whatever... I had to endure it, if and only if I want to survive.

What's the meaning of surviving if you don't have the quality of life that you hope for?

That's one thing I am thinking at the moment... For now, I don't have answer for it.

P/S: If you want to justify my actions, it is up to you. Your brain, yours la... I don't have the power to control people's minds... at least, not yet.... hahahaha

PUASA & RAYA!!!

*cough*cough*cough*

God! It has been ages since I came here and write something. Sure, it's getting rusty and dusty here... 

HAHA

We are in the end phase of Ramadan and I am not sure whether I will meet the next Ramadan and Laylt El-Qadr (hopefully I do). How was my Ramadan? To be honest, I wouldn't say it is the best Ramadan I ever had. But lots of new things I learnt during this Ramadan....

1) Ma'idah Rahmah (literally meaning stomach blessing?) - It is a term in Egypt used to describe this fantastic occasion whereby the rich opens up tables and serves people with food for iftar (breaking fast). Here, we have kinda similar thing but not the same. We called it berbuka di masjid (literally breaking fast at the mosque). Well, what matter is both offer free food! As student, inside the country, saving up is crucial as you don't have the luxurious of loaded allowance like the abroad students. It is like kais sahur makan sahur, kais berbuka makan berbuka...

2) Learn to be Imam and Bilal for Tarawikh prayers - definitely something REALLY new for me. Don't make that surprise face! I knew, I am noob.

3) We have to reserve table at least a day before if we want to have our iftar outside in a restaurant. =.=

4) New dish from masjid such as Gulai daging which my friend called it - nectar of God. HAHA

Okay, maybe not that much. But I am pretty sure... lots of things had happened during this Ramadan. I just can't get it out from my thoughts at this moment, perhaps.

Raya? Just a couple of days before Raya and I am among the last Malays standing in the hostel. Waaa~
I didn't have any new baju or seluar or kasut for this Raya, unfortunately. Thanks to my boros-ity... I don't have enough savings to be spent on Raya clothes.

Today, in shaa Allah, will be heading for home. Before that, I want to settle everything in here that require internet connection because I would be spending 7 or 8 days with slow connection in the house... :(

So, I want to wish you all;

RAMADAN KAREEM 

(hopefully not too late :p) 

& 

EID MUBARAK!!!

Selamat Hari Raya, Maaf Zahir & Batin.

p/s: In regard of desolate events happened and still happening in this Holy month.

#GAZAUNDERATTACK

#ISIS #MOSUL #CHURCH

#MH17 #UKRAINEREBELS

#AIRALGERIE #MISSING

#TRANSAISA #CRASH

FIRST CLERKING

Sharp at 5.45 a.m. I woke up to embrace the first day of class. I have a feeling of proving something not to others,,,, but to myself.

Well, that is not the main story of today. What I am going to talk here is about my first clerking. I went to a Ward @# and try to search for 'victim'... ok maybe it is not right to call them victims but if you saw through my eyes, then you will get it. Everyone may subjected to different opinions rite?

Hahaha

I searched for a patient that might be helpful and friendly enough to be my first clerking. At the first part of the ward, I tried to approach a "pak cik" because he seemed calm enough... Not even a complete sentence, the patient turned me down... Ok, no luck lah,,, So, there was my first disappointment. But, i have to "cekalkan hati"... LOL

Then, I went further into the ward. I found myself a boy with his mother. Well, I put up a step after being pushed by my colleagues... and this time, I managed to complete my sentence. Unfortunately, the patients was about to be discharged so she didn't want anymore questions. Ok.. :) I put up my fake smile.

Then I wandered off until the end of the ward. Then without any choices, I went to a nearby uncle and greet him: Assalamualaikum. I introduced myself and asking for the patient consent to take his history. Well, he seemed willing to do so by nodding. Then I asked his name. He mentioned name that I couldnt hear better. P ramlee?? He said: No...and there was the unrecognized name. Then my friend opened his file case and mentioned his real name.... I was like,,,, ooohhh,,,,

And I started asking questions although I was basically didnt have any ideas of why I was asking those questions,,,, I tried to think that I knew what I was doing - but the truth is,,, NO!!!

So there was my first clerking,,, well, I cant really shared the details of my clerking,,,, or could I???

-THE END-

LAST DAY

Summer vacation is already started and tomorrow i will be heading for home. Nothing feeling more enjoyable rather than counting the hours to get home.... or is it?

My mind is currently occupied by lots of thought. I wish, at this moment, that the time will freeze. I want the time to stop moving and let me drowning in this vacant feeling. Just me and my thoughts. 

I will never feel happy if i keep comparing my life with others. But the desire to have what others' owned or achieved is so deceiving. I will never be like others - i knew that, but i can't tell a lie that i don't want what they have. 

In time like this, I usually gonna have what is called internal monologue. And all the battles and intrapersonal conflicts starting to play their melody of war. Endless and meaningless battles that i believed to be the center of my complexity of thoughts and feelings. And no one can really understand me. Even I, myself, was having difficulties to understand what i feel and why i think in this kinda way. 

And on last day, hormones imbalance starts to have their upper hand over my feelings and thoughts. When serotonin, norepinephrine, epinephrine, dopamine, acetylcholine etc, each claimed to be the maestro of the body... leaving me all apathetic and soulless. 

My heart is so black that sometimes i can't differentiate between wrong and right. My conscience is already dead. The collision between different principles and ideologies that keep occurring,  pulling me to a vacuum of nothingness. Feeling afraid to have opinions of my own. Feeling helpless and weak. I guess, I am sick and I bet my medical "wisdom" wouldn't be a much of help. 

Enough of all this gibberish. I just wish that I will be having a splendid vacation during this summer. Three big projects were already in my list. Hope that all of you will be having a marvelous summer too. See you again... School.