LAST DAY

Summer vacation is already started and tomorrow i will be heading for home. Nothing feeling more enjoyable rather than counting the hours to get home.... or is it?

My mind is currently occupied by lots of thought. I wish, at this moment, that the time will freeze. I want the time to stop moving and let me drowning in this vacant feeling. Just me and my thoughts. 

I will never feel happy if i keep comparing my life with others. But the desire to have what others' owned or achieved is so deceiving. I will never be like others - i knew that, but i can't tell a lie that i don't want what they have. 

In time like this, I usually gonna have what is called internal monologue. And all the battles and intrapersonal conflicts starting to play their melody of war. Endless and meaningless battles that i believed to be the center of my complexity of thoughts and feelings. And no one can really understand me. Even I, myself, was having difficulties to understand what i feel and why i think in this kinda way. 

And on last day, hormones imbalance starts to have their upper hand over my feelings and thoughts. When serotonin, norepinephrine, epinephrine, dopamine, acetylcholine etc, each claimed to be the maestro of the body... leaving me all apathetic and soulless. 

My heart is so black that sometimes i can't differentiate between wrong and right. My conscience is already dead. The collision between different principles and ideologies that keep occurring,  pulling me to a vacuum of nothingness. Feeling afraid to have opinions of my own. Feeling helpless and weak. I guess, I am sick and I bet my medical "wisdom" wouldn't be a much of help. 

Enough of all this gibberish. I just wish that I will be having a splendid vacation during this summer. Three big projects were already in my list. Hope that all of you will be having a marvelous summer too. See you again... School.