LAST DAY

Summer vacation is already started and tomorrow i will be heading for home. Nothing feeling more enjoyable rather than counting the hours to get home.... or is it?

My mind is currently occupied by lots of thought. I wish, at this moment, that the time will freeze. I want the time to stop moving and let me drowning in this vacant feeling. Just me and my thoughts. 

I will never feel happy if i keep comparing my life with others. But the desire to have what others' owned or achieved is so deceiving. I will never be like others - i knew that, but i can't tell a lie that i don't want what they have. 

In time like this, I usually gonna have what is called internal monologue. And all the battles and intrapersonal conflicts starting to play their melody of war. Endless and meaningless battles that i believed to be the center of my complexity of thoughts and feelings. And no one can really understand me. Even I, myself, was having difficulties to understand what i feel and why i think in this kinda way. 

And on last day, hormones imbalance starts to have their upper hand over my feelings and thoughts. When serotonin, norepinephrine, epinephrine, dopamine, acetylcholine etc, each claimed to be the maestro of the body... leaving me all apathetic and soulless. 

My heart is so black that sometimes i can't differentiate between wrong and right. My conscience is already dead. The collision between different principles and ideologies that keep occurring,  pulling me to a vacuum of nothingness. Feeling afraid to have opinions of my own. Feeling helpless and weak. I guess, I am sick and I bet my medical "wisdom" wouldn't be a much of help. 

Enough of all this gibberish. I just wish that I will be having a splendid vacation during this summer. Three big projects were already in my list. Hope that all of you will be having a marvelous summer too. See you again... School. 

CHANCE

SECOND chance is what everyone keep asking. Well, apparently we were given thousands of chances to improve ourselves but we just never make benefit of them.

And each time we feel like to change, we unconsciously reluctant to begin at the exact moment... Instead, we try to slip off by finding some event as a turning point. And guess what?? That interval that we allow to slide in will only fade our will to change.

One tip that I found very useful to actually keep you on track in your change is to be with people. Don't be alone or do it alone. It was learnt from experience. When you are alone, you are vulnerable and the satan will use every angles that he can to elude you from your course.

In conjunction with RAMADAN, I believe that many Muslims out there trying to make Ramadan as their turning point to change. Well, grab this opportunity as the battle is only between you and you-self (desire) in this Holy month. Be sure to take one step at a time and not trying to change yourself 360 degree. Take the biggest one first and the rest would come easy, In shaa Allah.

I wish the best to all of you in your way to improve yourself. Revive your intention everyday as repetition gonna strengthen your will. Please make a du'a for me in my course to be a better Muslim. May you guys have a blissful Ramadan. 

Ramadan kareem... Allahu akram. :) 

MARK THE END OF PRE-CLINICAL

July 15 2013 marked the end of my pre-clinical years.. 

Lots of difficulty, memory and conflict had been shaping my past three years. 
Lots of thing also been learnt, both medicine and life. 
Lots of mistake had been made and how they could affect me.
Lots of stupid and foolish thing were there, though I already knew.
Lots of misjudging and perception along the way, which create problems that weren't there in the first place.
Lots of lesson told and learnt but they prevent me at nothing, blurred by self-ignorance. 
Lots of foe and friend, come and go, just dropping by...
Lots of understanding might have been achieved, but the heart was too blind to admit.

Lots of lots and lots... 

July 17, 2013. Cornish.