This Ramadan is the worst Ramadan I have gone through. It is not the fault in Ramadan... but me.
Yeah. Everything seems difficult this time. Everything is different.
As Ramadan started, I wish to be a better version of me. I tried to restrain myself from repeating the same sins and mistakes that I did in other months. Guess what? I can't even hold myself more than 3 days. I started resuming my normal activities as the normal months.
The worst part is, I begin to not paying much attention and put much effort on my amalan. Hey, it is Ramadan now. Why this Ramadan is worse than my previous Ramadans? What has changed?
A lot, actually. But, let it be between me and Him.
Since yesterday, I started receiving gentle reminders from Him. I had a short case exam. Okay, I knew it was coming. I did study, but not as diligent as before. Study while on Twitter? How could that even possible, right? However, to my surprise, I got a case which I didn't expect at all. Plus, I didn't read and practice at all. I was very bad at that time. Clumsy. Nervous. An idiot. The most shameful 10 minutes of my life. Not to mention the disappointment look from my lecturer. :(
Wait. Things are not that simple. I don't really feel bad about it. I mean, I was upset. But I didn't cry at all. I tried. It never come out. Then, I was thinking... maybe I should quit medicine. Besides, after knowing the hardship and reality of becoming a doctor, I started to doubt myself. I cannot do this any more.
How should I face my family? What about my scholarship? I don't have any source of income... I don't have any job. I don't even have any qualification to apply for job. I only have my SPM.
I tried to be reasonable with myself. Okay. I need to calm down.
This morning, I supposed to have a written exam. Guess what? I overslept. I had waken up 4.30 am to have my sahoor and study a bit as I hit the sack very early last night, around 11.00 pm. As the hour nearing to 7.00 am. I started feeling sleepy. I couldn't function when I am sleepy. So, I decided to take a nap before the exam. To note, my exam was on 9.00 am.
I woke up at 10.30 am. Then exam was soon to finish at 11.00 am, I screwed.
Should I quit?
Medicine is really not my thing. I don't think I have passion into medicine any more. I don't even think I have the passion to live at this moment. I just want to be absent. Absent from the world. I don't know...
Should I quit?
Yeah. Everything seems difficult this time. Everything is different.
As Ramadan started, I wish to be a better version of me. I tried to restrain myself from repeating the same sins and mistakes that I did in other months. Guess what? I can't even hold myself more than 3 days. I started resuming my normal activities as the normal months.
The worst part is, I begin to not paying much attention and put much effort on my amalan. Hey, it is Ramadan now. Why this Ramadan is worse than my previous Ramadans? What has changed?
A lot, actually. But, let it be between me and Him.
Since yesterday, I started receiving gentle reminders from Him. I had a short case exam. Okay, I knew it was coming. I did study, but not as diligent as before. Study while on Twitter? How could that even possible, right? However, to my surprise, I got a case which I didn't expect at all. Plus, I didn't read and practice at all. I was very bad at that time. Clumsy. Nervous. An idiot. The most shameful 10 minutes of my life. Not to mention the disappointment look from my lecturer. :(
Wait. Things are not that simple. I don't really feel bad about it. I mean, I was upset. But I didn't cry at all. I tried. It never come out. Then, I was thinking... maybe I should quit medicine. Besides, after knowing the hardship and reality of becoming a doctor, I started to doubt myself. I cannot do this any more.
How should I face my family? What about my scholarship? I don't have any source of income... I don't have any job. I don't even have any qualification to apply for job. I only have my SPM.
I tried to be reasonable with myself. Okay. I need to calm down.
This morning, I supposed to have a written exam. Guess what? I overslept. I had waken up 4.30 am to have my sahoor and study a bit as I hit the sack very early last night, around 11.00 pm. As the hour nearing to 7.00 am. I started feeling sleepy. I couldn't function when I am sleepy. So, I decided to take a nap before the exam. To note, my exam was on 9.00 am.
I woke up at 10.30 am. Then exam was soon to finish at 11.00 am, I screwed.
Should I quit?
Medicine is really not my thing. I don't think I have passion into medicine any more. I don't even think I have the passion to live at this moment. I just want to be absent. Absent from the world. I don't know...
Should I quit?
